


never know how far we could fall

by azumarheart



Series: walking the tightrope with you [2]
Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, F/F, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Unhappy Ending, jules is young and we should understand that she will make selfish mistakes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 05:47:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20483876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azumarheart/pseuds/azumarheart
Summary: Jules is a child. She's messy, inexperienced, selfish, and a daydreamer. She runs from her problems and walks around with confidence, and doesn't do enough reflection on her actions.She's just a child.And this is how it affects her relationships.





	never know how far we could fall

**Author's Note:**

> This is apart of a series! Please go read the other fic if you want another study of Rue & Jules' relationship with a happier ending lol
> 
> Edit: Rue is ennegram type 4 and Jules is type 7!!! It can be a bad mix if there's not balance

Jules thinks that people forget that she’s only 17.  
  
She dresses older than she is, and acts like it too, for the most part. Having an aura of confidence and self-love really gives off a mature air. It doesn’t help that she spends her free time fucking older men. She’s been through enough hard shit in her life that she ought to feel older than 17. Most of the time? She does.  
  
But at the end of the day, she’s still 17. She’s a child. She’s inexperienced in a lot of real life scenarios.  
  
Most of her life has been spent in organized communities: whether it be school or psych wards. She doesn’t know how the real world works. Fitting into those standards seems impossible, so she just continues acting in the way she always has. Reckless and daydreaming, always in the moment and focused on the best-case-scenario for the future.  
  
Jules is a child. She’s selfish in her wants, and actions. She doesn’t really consider the consequences of her actions. When things go wrong, she acts out, doesn’t pay attention to the damage that she deals others. She runs away from her problems, chasing after dreams.  
  
She’s a child.  
  
——  
  
When Nate confronts her about her nudes, and blackmails her into filing that police report, she feels lost. Ripped back to Earth from her perch in the clouds. She doesn’t know how to fix things, doesn’t know how to save herself.  
  
Doesn’t know any better.  
  
The guilt and stress eat at her until all she knows to do is run away. Always running away from her problems. Because daydreaming is easier.  
  
Meeting up with TC is a godsend for her. Riding in their car, standing up and yelling through the tunnel to the city. The rush of adrenaline and childlike giddiness as she runs up the stairs with TC to their apartment. She feels like she’s floating.  
  
There, she meets Anna, and she’s star struck. Here is this woman, so confident and alluring and mysterious and sexy. And she welcomes Jules with open arms, lays her on the bed, and delicately paints her face. It reminds her of when she was young and her mother would softly trace shapes all over her face to help her fall asleep.  
  
She feels cared for.  
  
Anna asks her about the men she fucks, about her reasoning. And it feels too real, too raw.  
  
Jules wants to conquer femininity. For so long, it was a wall she thought she would never scale. It seemed impossible, with the kids at school tugging her down with verbal abuse, her mom locking her in that fucking jail, puberty starting, and the desire to tear her body apart to create what she wanted to be.  
  
Nevertheless, Jules scaled the wall. She persisted. She got the surgeries and the hormones and followed the lessons online on how to present more femininely. She reached the other side.  
  
But when she got there, Jules realized just how many walls lay ahead. Being a woman comes with so many challenges and expectations.  
  
She’s reached femininity, but she has yet to conquer it. She’s not sure if it’s possible.  
  
But like she tells Anna, fucking older men feels like conquering it. Being in control of how men look at her and consume her. Meeting their expectations in the dim light of motel room.  
  
And Anna just looks at her with all-too knowing eyes, with a hint of sadness. And she asks the most important question.  
  
_Why does she need a guy to make her feel more feminine?_  
  
It sits heavy in her chest, because she asks herself the same thing when the men fuck her. The buildup feels nice, but she always feels mildly disgusting during sex.  
  
She feigns confusion, and Anna moves on from the question.  
  
Jules explains to Anna that she wants to obliterate femininity and move on to the next level. Whatever that is.  
  
And TC laughs from the corner, and they say that ‘queerness is infinite’.  
  
The phrase bounces around in Jules’ head for the rest of the night.  
  
TC and Anna take her to a gay bar downtown, linking arms the whole way there.  
  
She takes some drugs, ignoring the niggling in the back of her head calling her a hypocrite after giving Rue that ultimatum of quitting drugs, what feels like lifetimes ago.  
  
Then she’s dancing and the pounding of the bass matches the timing of her heartbeat. Everything is painted in pinks and greens and glitter, and she feels infinite. In this club, where she can be gay and trans, be queer and loud and unapologetically herself. Without shame, without that sinking feeling of being stared at wherever she goes. A place where her and Anna kissing transcends reality.  
  
Feeling wholly surrounding by this love of a queer community, acceptance and understanding all around. People are smiling at her, complimenting her outfit and her makeup. People kiss her forehead and twirl her in circles and she’s laughing and so so free. Her soul has left her body and is dancing with these people.  
  
She crashes for a moment, when she hallucinates Nate. And she’s yelling at him because she hates him, hates that he makes her feel happy and loved, hates that he’s put her in such a hard place. Hates that he makes her feel more feminine.  
  
Everything goes fuzzy and next thing she’s aware of is her and Anna in bed. Anna makes her feel so good, so right, so put together and in place. But that image flickers in and out of being Anna to being Rue and she can’t really tell who is making her feel what. Isn’t Rue the one who makes her feel so happy, so right, so centered? But Anna is making her feel so good right now that her mind is liquefying. She just loses herself in the feeling, letting the images of Anna and Rue rush over her.  
  
It’s euphoria.  
  
——

Sex is a muddled thing in her mind. Fucking random old men doesn't phase her as much as it should. She doesn't mind telling her friends, because she doesn't think she should be ashamed. (At least, that's what she tells herself. Any shame is buried deep, deep down inside of her.)

Having sex with Anna is amazing. She feels connected and cared for in the moment. Sure, she's tripping out for half of it, but it still is amazing.

She wants Rue to feel that way. Wants to bring her best friend back here and make her head spin. Wants to bring Anna and Rue together to create something more beautiful than life itself. Wants to share that intimacy with her.

She doesn't really know how Rue would feel about it though. Not everyone thinks about sex that casually. But it wouldn't hurt to ask.

Jules knows that she can't fix Rue. No matter how much she wants to, no matter how much Rue relies on her. She can't have that much responsibility. But maybe she can give her at least something nice.

——  
  
She knows Rue doesn’t want to get on the train. But she’s begging and pleading and ignoring the words Rue is saying.  
  
It’s just that... Jules had so much fun with Anna and TC. Being surrounded by other queer people feels so welcoming and loving. She wants Rue to feel that love. She wants Rue to understand.  
  
Jules is a child. She’s a free-thinking girl with her head in the clouds. She can’t see how much this is really tearing Rue apart. How much Rue wants to be with Jules, but how much she relies on stability in her life to keep her mind stable. To keep the mental illnesses manageable, to keep her drug addiction mellowed. She needs her mom and Gia and the consistency of school.  
  
Jules is a child. She’s selfish in her wants. She wants Rue to come with her. Why won’t Rue just get on the train? Why? She doesn’t understand why Rue won’t just jump on. There’s adventure that lies ahead. Love and fun and freedom! Why won’t Rue just get on?  
  
Jules is a child. She’s only 17. She’s young and doesn’t entirely understand other people yet. Their motivation and needs. Doesn’t understand why everyone can’t just run away from their problems. Doesn’t understand why everyone can’t just untether themselves from normal life. Why?  
  
Jules is a child. And she’s stuck in her daydreams.  
  
Rue is a child too. But she’s had to mold herself into something older, more mature. Rue doesn’t have the liberty of daydreams. If she doesn’t stay in the moment, she’ll lose herself. It's the only way to survive.  
  
But Jules is a child. And she doesn’t understand.  
  
So the door closes, and the train pulls from the station, and Jules is left staring out the window at a sobbing Rue.  
  
Something inside her shrivels up and dies.

**Author's Note:**

> I have so many emotions for these girls  
Jules really is so young and she's allowed to fuck up. Putting so much pressure on her to make the right decision isn't entirely fair. I thought I was so mature at 17 but god was I wrong! I think Jules feels the same
> 
> Please comment if you enjoyed!


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